Gym Rules

I am a registered Libertarian. Less governmental control, more individual freedom. That’s what I’m all about. Or so I thought.

You see, one month ago I changed gyms. With that came a change in men’s locker rooms. Prior to last month, I was at a gym that was operated by the company I worked for. Everyone in the gym was a coworker. When you were in the locker room you didn’t know if the guy next to you was a subordinate or a big fish up the food chain.  As a result, everyone behaved rather professionally. You didn’t want to be the one snapping a towel on the buttocks of your next boss.

Now I am at a public gym. Since I work out during my lunch break I have to use the full locker room, and the not-so-private showers. I am surrounded by naked men running wild--men who are not afraid to be their true selves. This is beginning to change my perspective dramatically.

So how do I see men’s locker rooms now? Not through the eyes of a midget or dwarf. I can only imagine how skewed their view of the whole men-gone-naked thing must be. Fortunately I do not have to live in their waist-high world. But I digress.

I now see the world through the eyes of an angry, bitter homeowner’s association board member. The world needs rules. Lots of rules.

Currently, there is only one rule posted in our locker room. It states that one must shower before entering the pool area. From my perspective, that one little guideline is far from sufficient.

First of all, there should be a rule prohibiting excessive metrosexual behavior. My gym bag contains a hair brush and a stick of deodorant. I am perfectly fine using the supplied soap to lather up. When I’m done, I slap on some Speed Stick, brush my hair once or twice and then get on my way.

I am tolerant enough to accept that others may want to use their own shampoo or soap. But it is disturbing to me that some men find it necessary to carry around little shower caddies overflowing with shampoos, body wash, face wash, hair gels, moisturizers and—worst of all—after shower body powders.

Since I have the short-term memory of a brain-damaged gnat, I always grab locker number 75, or the locker closest to 75 if it is not available. That way I don’t have to roam the gym trying to remember where I put my stuff after my workout.

Apparently I am not the only creature of habit. Locker number 88 is the home of the after-shower-body-powder guy. He is on the same schedule as I am. Too often we get dressed at the same time. I’m putting on my clothes to get ready for work and he’s polluting the area with a cloud of toxic, lavender-scented talc.

Give me a break. I am tired of having to dust off my black pants before returning to the office. I’d switch to the 200 series lockers, but the guys over there are so, ummm, equipped.  I can’t really hold my own. So it’s time to ban the metrosexuals.

While we’re making rules, I am thinking there should be a time limit on how long you can go in the common dressing area without putting on your pants. Ninety-eight percent of us get changed in a relatively speedy fashion. But there are some stragglers.

My biggest problem is with the-naked-tooth-brushing guy. There is this one guy whose routine is to shower, put on his shirt and tie and then brush his teeth—sans pants. What’s up with that? Is it liberating to brush away while wagging in the wind? At least put on some man panties.

At the end of the day, however, I could cope with body powdering and naked dental hygiene if the gym would crack down on the number one offender—the-shower-is-my-Kleenex guy.

I am not big into shower flip flops. At least I wasn’t until this new gym. Apparently some guys are missing that neuron in the brain that triggers the thought of “Hey, maybe I shouldn’t be blowing my nose and spitting on the same area where other people will be standing.”

If they are doing this in public I shudder to think what they might be doing in the privacy of their own homes. Does society really need people like this? Not only do we need a rule prohibiting such behavior, the penalty should be immediate sterilization. Such as these should not be allowed to breed.

Comments

[Dan B]

Its true, some people have no respect in the gym or the locker room, maybe thats one reason why people struggle to go regularly, if these people stayed in their own space then it would be better for us all :) Get a little motivation boost with this : http://www.realsubliminal.com/product/motivation-to-exercise

[Shannon]

You have always been my funniest uncle. I was laughing out loud!

[Bill]

I completely agree with your idea of more rules in the locker room, I mean who wants to comb their hair next to naked tooth brush guy? However, I think you are going too far in restricting the boogers in the shower, blowing farmers in the shower is an instinct we are born with. I will get you a pair of shower shoes for Christmas so you don't have to step on the boogers.

[Aaron]

I think this is a perfect oppertunity for you to put forth some man-ass mitigation rules and regulations. Draft all the rules and turn them in to the Gym manager. See how that goes before you run against the govanator on the reduction of man-ass in Gyms platform. Best of luck.

[Kim]

You were once a nice smelly man. You wore nice cologne and washed with soap.

[Wendy]

I made the big mistake of reading this at work while someone is sitting next to me. I think I'm going to get a sinus infection from stifling all of my laughs. I wouldn't dare try to explain. I have an image here. I haven't been to a public gym since Ladera Vista Junior High where we had to soap our bodies and then go report naked to one of the gym teachers who would then inspect us to sure we had duly soaped every part and then would check us off. I didn't quite understand at the time why they were all "Miss" and no "Mrs."